I think too much…

I am not a good person. I am honestly the worst person you will ever meet. I am manipulative, easy to anger, annoying, and hard headed. I am the most stubborn person you will ever meet. I run my mouth when I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m afraid of everything. I am constantly scared about the future.

I am what I am because I’ve made me this way. I don’t know how to change the thoughts in my head. I go to my new doctor on the 31st, hopefully, we can find a medicine that will help me. I have run out of the medicine that helps me the most, and it’s because I was adjusting my own meds like the doctor wanted, So I did and ran out and now I won’t be able to get my medicine refilled until after the 31st.

My boyfriend started work today and I am genuinely sad about it, I thought I would be okay, but I went 3 months without having him and now he’s gone for 12 hours the next 3 days. I mean I get time with him but it’s not as much, I know he is providing for his tribe, and he’s got that sense of purpose now, he wants me to be healthy and happy, and I am, for the most part. The sadness still seeps in. And I hate that because my tribe deserves better than me being sad all the time, it’s so many things that make me sad at once.

I wish I knew how to stop it, to stop my mind from racing. I have the most supportive family, and I think I know what I want to be when I grow up, but I don’t know if I can get there. I want to say I can, that everything will be okay, and I’ll get to the point in my life that I could work, but I don’t think I’ll ever get to that point. I won’t ever be able to work without my anxiety setting my insides on fire. I’m going to have to apply for SSI and go that route. I can’t keep a job to save my life literally so it will be easy once I get doctors notes and help from my doctors.

So this post has mostly been sad and depressing and I’m sorry for that, so here’s a bit of good news, My little tribe has adjusted very well to having such a small space to work with and everyone is very communicative when we have an issue with each other. I am happy with the little family I have, and once Emily finds another partner I believe everything will come together, we have no room for them to move in however so hopefully it is someone independent. I know she is happy not looking right now and that puts my mind at rest, I hope she can stay content for awhile and let this all settle in. We hope to be getting a bigger place by the end of the year. When Emily gets her SSI we will secure a place that has three bedrooms. We need more space as is. Things will look up for me. Things will look up for us. I’ll be okay eventually.

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